The strangest thing happened to me on my way to writing this piece on comparison (that led to a study on envy, jealousy, and covetousness.)
I think I got a little…envious…as I began researching books on this subject and I came across some really amazing authors who, in turn, had reviews from OTHER amazing authors—who all seemed to have amazing best-selling books and amazing blogs and amazing families and lives—even though they all say they are imperfect and messy and so very ordinary. Sigh. Yea, well, I’m not so sure about that!
And just as can happen when we get on Facebook or Pinterest or Instagram, or any other social media sites that give us tiny pinhole views of what are usually the HIGHLIGHTS of someone’s life, it is then that our own projects and family and life suddenly aren’t nearly as…amazing. They really ARE messy and imperfect and so very ordinary. Ha.
And for the record, I feel the need to bring some balance here concerning social media sites that people seem to love to criticize. I personally have had nearly all positive experiences with it—-with the people I interact and know personally, and also with those I do not know but have shared projects and photos that I’ve gathered and saved. So remember, many (most?) people are posting their family pictures and projects because it’s what they LOVE!! They aren’t trying to one-up all their friends. If some of this brings up negativity in you, it might be a symptom of insecurity or envy that needs to be dealt with! And we can learn how to root that out and move forward freely to celebrate the joys and successes of others.
{ I think that the dangers of these sites is in highest concentration with vulnerable young people. It’s a new way to compare (and envy) that I did not have when growing up. }
According to the experts consulted for a Glamour magazine article, we should interact with the social-media world with eyes open: “When you log off, do you feel worse than when you logged on? If so, it’s time to cut back.” ~ Shaun Dreisbach, Glamour, October 2014
So… you know what makes me sad? Okay…that Geico commercial with the “drill sergeant turned therapist” has completely RUINED me for ever being able to pose the question of: “You know what makes me sad?” I suppose it’s a GOOD thing because I start laughing…and I’m usually not sad anymore. If you haven’t seen the commercial, or even if you have, maybe we should take a quick commercial break right now so you can watch it. Then I’ll tell you what makes me sad! (About envy and comparison).
(Do You Know What Makes Me Sad? Commercial: If more therapists were like R. Lee Ermey, maybe there would be a lot less pansies in the world.)
Okay, so now I’ll tell you what makes me probably the most sad about comparison and envy. It separates. Separates people—-from each other—and it separates us from God’s best for our lives.
Haven’t we all seen, or experienced, that?
We don’t want to go to someone’s house that we think is bigger or better than ours. Or, on the flipside, we don’t want to invite people to our more modest, or messier, home because of shame. So we miss out on wonderful fellowship.
God bless Pinterest, Martha Stewart, the Barefoot Contessa, the Food Network, and every remodeling show on HGTV. You’ve helped us appreciate beauty. Thank you. You’ve given us great ideas. But you’ve made it really hard to have people over. Maybe people are judging us, maybe not. But we most definitely judge ourselves and compare all the ways we struggle to measure up. ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You {sort of…not really}
We don’t want to hang out with “the pretty woman” because it makes us feel “not as pretty” or we fear our husband will compare her to us. This “pretty woman” could become one of our most valued and precious friends who we have much in common with. And she might be a very lonely “pretty woman” because of all that envy directed toward her that’s separating her from others.
One young man we know was dating (and eventually married) a very beautiful, smart, confident, talented, compassionate, friendly, outgoing actress/beauty pageant winner/writer, artist (and more!). He said this about her, and those who come in contact with her: “Just by being who she is, she brings out all the insecurities of the women around her, and they run away!”
Contentment comes when we choose to see the immeasurable, incomparable beauty of each human, including the one in the mirror. ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You {sort of…not really}
We don’t share our struggles with a friend who we think is more successful than we are for fear they will look down on us and think we are losers. Or, at the least, it makes us feel like we are a loser. We aren’t honest with others as to why we aren’t associating with a successful friend anymore. I know of someone who shut herself off from a former best friend because in their younger days, in college, they had shared their dreams with each other and one of them had achieved her dreams beyond her wildest expectations whereas the other one hadn’t even come close to reaching her dreams. So rather than feel the shame that was magnified in her friend’s presence, she chose to cut her off-—to the confusion of the friend who she had not communicated honestly with. (I know this because they both had confided in me.)
Continually measuring my progress against others, often has an even more detrimental impact. It takes my eyes off my own goal and my unique purpose, and it leads me to believe I need to keep up or get ahead or change to fit in. ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You { sort of…not really }
We don’t want to hang out with the debt-free friends because we’re still saddled with debt and we’re ashamed of how we got there. (I’m noticing how much the word “shame” comes into play with all this comparison! Shame has a lot to do with our insecurities—-the perception that we should be perfect!)
Fairness is a shifting scale, based on our assessment, accurate or not, of what others have. Contentment is found in accepting, embracing, and doing our best with the reality of our own situation. ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You { sort of…not really }
We don’t write the book or poem, cook the meal, paint the picture, play the instrument, etc. because we keep comparing ourselves to someone else—-and usually the person we are comparing ourselves to is BEYOND EXCEPTIONAL in the area we are drawing the comparison. Remember, this is their STRENGTH we are comparing ourselves to, and we are most likely singling out the person who is the cream-of-the-crop, cherry-on-top in this sphere of comparison. We’re not looking at the greater percentage of the more average people. No. We choose to compare ourselves to the “valedictorian of life!” A counselor once told me this: “You know all those super-successful people that you think have it all together and their lives are nearly perfect? Well, they don’t and they aren’t.”
The effort to keep it all together so we look a certain way is exhausting. And futile. And actually not necessary. The struggle to maintain appearances is yet another way comparison chains us to performance and leads us away from contentment. ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You { sort of…not really }
AND you could easily be comparing your beginning to their middle or end—-as in, they have been practicing their craft or have developed their skill for a very long time.
I just did an internet search on what I thought was an applicable quote and this is what I found:
“Wherever you are in life with whatever you’re doing – you’re going to be ahead of some and behind others. That’s okay. Own where you are. Take time to embrace and celebrate that. Continue moving forward. And never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.” ~ Matt Cheuvront
Precisely.
And remember, we are all on the same team reaching out for the same goal—-to KNOW HIM better and to WALK OUT His will for our lives! To be all He created us to be! We must keep that in the forefront of our minds when we feel that ugly, debilitating feeling of envy and “less-than” coming over us.
Rather than worrying about what others think, let’s consider the fact that people just like us are on the other side of those perceived thoughts—probably worried about what we’re thinking of them. ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You {sort of…not really}
Actually, to just compare could be an okay and normal thing to do. If we could leave it at a mere unemotional assessment of differences, that would be fine. In fact, it could be more than fine because in many cases it could help us become better people-—in either our aspirations or our learning how to be genuinely happy for others—to encourage and love and appreciate them for who God created them to be or how He has blessed them and then be able to celebrate their successes!
But comparison almost always leads us to the path of envy and covetousness.
And THAT path can lead us to some bad destinations such as: Gossip. Anger. Loneliness. Backbiting. Lies. Rumors. Character defamation. And worse. (As though those things aren’t bad enough, I was just thinking how it can even lead to murder and theft!)
In light of our “Born to Bloom” subject, comparison can keep us from our destinies because we become so absorbed with our own envy and insecurities, via our habit of comparing, that we end up GIVING up. We make a decision that what we have to offer isn’t good enough. What a great loss that is—for us and for those we surely could have helped and influenced. Think about it: Can all those super-successful people help everyone one-on-one? I can’t call up one of my favorite best-selling authors and ask them to go for a walk with me or out to lunch to chat.
When we are on a new path for our lives and are feeling a bit lost and confused as we are searching for our voice and place, we are especially vulnerable to the dangers of comparison. Be on guard for this because if we allow it, the insecurities can trample our tiny tendrils and baby buds of growth.
Instead of consulting with God who created us “on purpose for a purpose” and has a special and unique path for us to follow, we make our own assessments and decisions based on faulty thinking. We are so focused on our performance and what people think about us that we completely forget to enjoy the person we are and the life that we have. It’s really not about “us” vs “them.” It’s about us and God collaborating together and expressing that partnership to others by sharing His Love and joy and glorious creativity!
Forcing our thoughts away from self and looking to encourage someone else, works.
~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You {sort of…not really}”
The truth is that comparison and the need for approval is a very self-centered, self-absorbed way to interact with others. When we are envious and keep comparing our personalities, belongings, jobs, etc. with others it is all about me, me, me!
That’s what comparison does: it makes life all about me, how I measure up or fall short. And all that self-absorption consumes our mental energy and prevents us from enjoying life. ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You {sort of…not really}
Comparing ourselves with others is entirely unfair and unrealistic—-for our self and for others. No one has had our life experiences, has our personality, our specific talents, or has been given our purpose in life. That’s what makes each of us so beautifully unique and wonderfully needed! One of those “awesome” writers with the bestselling book doesn’t have the same sphere of influence/circle of friends and acquaintances that I have. We are all given our own assignments here on this earth! There is no one greater than or less than. We all need each other!
Might focusing on the reality that we each have differing “bests” free us to spur others on to strive after their potential? ~ Kay Wills Wyma, “I’m Happy For You {sort of…not really}
As I write this, I have been pondering the words “comparison” and “envy.” I know there is a difference between the two, and what I really think people are talking about isn’t really “comparing,” they are actually saying “don’t envy.” “Don’t compare” seems like a softer way to talk about the Biblical sin of envy!
So before I proceed, I’m thinking that a brief word study is in order because I’m realizing that I’m not so sure about the differences in comparison, envy, jealousy, and covetousness. Just doing a quick study of those words, and what the Bible has to say about them, can help us identify if any of them are in operation in our lives and which ones should be dealt with.
Compare: to examine the character or qualities of, especially in order to discover resemblances or differences. { See? It’s not an emotional thing yet! Could be completely scientific! }
Envy: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. { Okay. Here we go. This is where emotion is injected into our comparing, and this is where it gets bad. Sinful, even. And destructive. }
Covet: to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others. { Now we aren’t just comparing, or feeling resentful discontent. Now we WANT what they have! }
Jealousy: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage; disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness; vigilant in guarding a possession.
Another “ugly” aspect of envy is when we are secretly happy when someone who we are envying has a loss of some kind.
We should love men enough not to envy, and this is not only envy for money; it is for everything. It can, for instance, be envy of his spiritual gifts. There is a simple test for this. Natural desires have become coveting against a fellow creature, one of our kind, a fellow man, when we have a mentality that would give us a secret satisfaction at his misfortune. If a man has something, and he loses it, do we have an inward pleasure? A secret satisfaction at his loss? Do not speak too quickly and say it is never so, because you will make yourself a liar… If this mentality is upon me, in any way, then my natural desires have become coveting. I am inwardly coveting and I am not loving men as I should. ~ Francis Schaeffer, “True Spirituality”
So what is the defining difference between jealousy and envy?
The main difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is the emotion of wanting what someone else has, while jealousy is the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else.
I think it could best be described by these examples: Envy: “It’s not fair that she has a more loving, caring, emotionally involved husband.” Jealousy: “I’m afraid that woman is going to STEAL my husband! She spends more time with him at the workplace. I need to monitor this closely!”
Hmmm. Interesting.
What is the difference between envy and coveting?
Envy and covetousness are closely related. Covetousness desires what someone else has. Envy resents them for having it. When you covet something, you want it. When you envy, you not only want that item or status, you resent the one who possesses it. Seems like they are Siamese twins, really—inseparable.
Bertrand Russell (a British philosopher, among a multitude of other things—I think I might be sensing some envy towards her—hahaha) said that envy is one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.
When we envy we lose our contentment. We become dissatisfied with who we are and what we have.
The Bible says this about envy:
“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” ~ Proverbs 14:30
Could there be a connection between envy and certain health problems? Many health professionals believe it is so. (Along with harboring other negative attitudes like unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, etc.)
So why does all of this matter?
Well…wow. It matters in so many ways. A few that I can think, some of which we’ve already talked about.
Envy, and covetousness:
• Separates us from others.
• Separates us from God’s purposes for our lives.
• Makes us sick! (envy rots the bones).
• Gets us off the “love walk” path.
AND…here’s a really, really big reason that it matters that’s not talked about much…
• Envy and coveting are sins. Not many like to use the word “sin” anymore. When something is “a sin” that means if we do it, there are consequences. It’s a law. Break a law—natural, spiritual, emotional, governmental, etc—there are consequences. Sorry. Just the way life is set up!
“Thou shall not covet” is one of the Ten Commandments. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.” Exodus 20:17
In the New Testament (Romans 1:28-32) it is clear that envy is a work of the flesh — it is listed as one of the sins of the unrighteous who suppress the truth and have been given over to a debased mind:
“And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.” (emphasis added).
Alrighty. It matters! It matters to GOD! And the reason it matters to God and should matter to us is that these sins can keep us from experiencing God fully and from having our best lives that He has planned for us.
It’s rather shocking to see envy and covetousness listed with what appear to be much worse sins, isn’t it? It’s something to seriously consider.
And just what is it we should we be “seriously considering.” And by that I mean–what can be done about this sin of envy—the product of comparison?
I found some ideas from Liz Curtis Higgs on the Proverbs31 Ministries website (proverbs31.org):
“For all of us who struggle with envy (and doesn’t everyone at least sometimes?)—here’s the way out:
Confess. Healing begins when we acknowledge that envy is a sin: “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth” (James 3:14, NIV). Humble admission is the single best antidote for prideful ambition. Avoid comparison. Consider the words of Jesus, when Peter fretted over John’s place in Jesus’ ministry, and asked, “‘Lord, what about him?’ Jesus answered, ‘ … what is that to you? You must follow me’” (John 21:21b, 22b, NIV).
Rejoice. Feeling overlooked? Look up and celebrate with others. Send an email or text on the spot, and chase away those negative feelings. “Rejoice with those who rejoice” (Romans 12:15a, NIV).
Be patient. Many a career or ministry has collapsed under too much, too soon. Embrace the tasks you’ve been given, rather than longing for something bigger, better, or faster. Success isn’t money or fame — it’s love for one another. By definition, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud” (1 Corinthians 13:4, NIV).
Befriend your rival. As one of our sisters explained, “A woman was brought in on a fast track executive management program at my corporation. At our first meeting, I thought, ‘Well, here’s my rival.’ Then I heard God say, ‘She is smart, energetic and sharp — just like you. You could become best buddies.’” And, they did.
Count the cost. Behind every successful woman is a host of sacrifices we never see. The truth? We’re seldom jealous of all the work a person does — just the outcome. Whether building a tower or building a career, the Bible cautions us, ” … Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money” — or time or energy — “to complete it” (Luke 14:28b, NIV).
Lean on the Lord. He stands ready, willing and able to overcome our weaknesses through the power of His Spirit. “Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always” (1 Chronicles 16:11, NIV).”
Prayer: Heavenly Father, I know that envy, jealousy, comparison, and coveting are not pleasing to You, and they are not healthy for me or my relationships. I truly want to be free from them. Make me very aware when I’m starting down that path. And forgive me for getting caught in that trap and allowing myself to speak negative and sinful things about others—-all because of my pride or insecurities. I know that envy and coveting and jealousy are no match for Your abounding mercy and grace. Thank You for setting me free. And help me to love and encourage others in the way you would have me to do. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Some Bible verses to “think on”:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant. 1 Corinthians 13:4
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3
But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. James 3:14-15
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:16
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
When I started writing this piece on comparison, I thought it was going to be rather short and I wasn’t even sure what I was going to write. Boy, was I surprised at just how important this subject is—-how it can affect our lives in so many ways. I was also surprised at how many books and articles have been written about it. Apparently, this is a major problem and concern for us as human beings. My book recommendation list is long and I’m sure it hardly scratches the surface of all the good books that have been written on this subject. If you have a particular favorite on this subject, or any of the other subject you see on this website, I would love for you to shoot me a note with your recommendation.
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS
Unafraid: Be you. Be authentic. Find the grit and grace to shine. ~ Carey Scott
Comparison Trap: A 28-Day Devotional for Women ~ Sandra Stanley (Goes with a DVD Bible study but can be read as a stand-alone. I found out I could download an app that has the 4-part Bible study—all for FREE! https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/comparison-trap/id1055506940?mt=8. there may be another way to do this I just went to my apps store on my phone.)
Envy: The Enemy Within ~ Bob Sorge
You Are Free: Be Who You Already Are ~ Rebekah Lyons
Without Rival: Embrace Your Identity and Purpose in an Age of Confusion and Comparison ~ Lisa Bevere
Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard ~ Jennie Allen
Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone ~ Joyce Meyer
The Perfect You: A Blueprint for Identity ~ Dr. Caroline Leaf
Enemies of the Heart: Breaking Free from the Four Emotions That Control You ~ Andy Stanley
Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely ~ Lysa TerKeurst
God Is Just Not Fair: Finding Hope When God Doesn’t Make Sense ~ Jennifer Rothschild