Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. ~ Brené Brown, “The Gifts of Imperfection”
While reading a book written by a “shame research expert,” I found myself in a self-imposed forced position to ponder “shame.” The book I was reading by this author was not her book on shame, but on accepting ourselves as imperfect human beings. But “shame” seemed to naturally fit into this conversation–because when we do see our imperfections, we often feel shame.
This author, Brené Brown, did not present herself as a Christian and I don’t think that she is or it would have become evident. Plus there was a little bit of mild offensive language (cursing)—very mild—that I am not used to. And please know that I’m not trying to “shame” the author. Ha.
Here are the first three things that you need to know about shame:
- We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.
- We’re all afraid to talk about shame.
- The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives. ~Brené Brown “The Gifts Of Imperfection”
For me, as a Christian, I believe that we are born in shame. That’s why it is universally experienced by all. The reason I say that we are born in shame, is that I believe that shame = sin. And we are all sinners, like it or not. Even the so-called “best of us.”
…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God… Romans 3:23
So, she presents various descriptions and solutions to overcoming the shame we feel and how to cultivate new behavior patterns so that we can become better and more authentic people. I agree with many of her positions and her desired results, but I believe that the way to truly overcome shame is through finding our identity in Christ.
And here’s the thing: As Christians we should be the most authentic people on the planet because we are FULLY AWARE of the sin nature that causes shame. And yet, I am of the opinion that Christians often seem to be the least likely to live authentic lives because they are even MORE ashamed of their weaknesses, imperfections, and wrong behavior!
We feel that not only is God watching us but so is the whole world—or at least those in OUR world—and we want to represent God well. After all, the Bible tells us we are “ambassadors for Christ.”
Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. 2 Corinthians 5:20a
In our minds, an ambassador should have stellar behavior and very few imperfections. So we hide behind a façade—putting on a happy face to the world when often we are stuffing our authentic imperfect selves which, like everyone else, is full of complex feelings about God, our own lives, the lives of others, and life in general.
Shame comes from committing wrong acts or having wrong acts committed against us (sexual abuse, to name one—which is a violent act of sin committed against another human being, note that it is still sin causing the shame) and seeing, or having pointed out, our imperfections/weaknesses, etc. Often the areas in which we are weakest and the most imperfect, are the areas we hide the most.
And that’s when the inauthenticity begins.
We pretend we’re something we’re not instead of making ourselves vulnerable and relatable to others.
Shame separates us from God and people—-if we allow it to.
And shame can keep us from feeling confident and worthy enough to become all God created us to be.
Until we acknowledge that we have weaknesses, imperfections, and that, yes, we have sinned (even after accepting Jesus into our hearts and lives), we are like one-dimensional paper dolls. And we can’t be real with God, ourselves, or others because we are always trying to hide our shame/our sin.
Now this is not to say that we have to walk around all day long talking about our mistakes and sins and weaknesses. And, even when we do this, at selected and appropriate times, we should make sure that becoming this vulnerable is with people who will be just as authentic and who will extend mercy, unconditional Love, and grace.
There aren’t a lot of people who are able to do this because people with their OWN shame are often merciless when passing out judgment on others. That’s what unconfessed sin (that causes shame) can do—make people hard and harsh. And often, I think we don’t even realize it is happening. In my life, I’ve known people who have gotten downright incensed about someone’s horrific sin—that they were guilty of themselves!
Ponder the story of King David and Bathsheba for just a moment.
King David committed adultery with Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, one of the loyal soldiers in his army. When David was unable to cover his sin, he had Uriah essentially put to death by putting him on the front line of battle. (You can read this account in 2 Samuel 11, 12)
David did not repent of this sin that God was very displeased with.
So God sent the prophet Nathan to shine the light on his sin and to rebuke him.
Nathan told David a little story:
The LORD sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.
“Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”
David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the LORD lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”
Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” 2 Samuel 12:1-7
David sees the light!
And he feels shame. (Just imagine how MUCH shame he must have felt!)
So he confesses and repents.
In verse 13 it says this: Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”
And in Psalm 51, written by David, he pours out his heart to God in confession and repentance.
Here is just a part of it:
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you. Psalm 51:1-4, 10-13
So feeling shame is often the result of unconfessed sin–and even confessed sin if we don’t allow ourselves to receive forgiveness.
Shame can be a wonderful symptom that leads us to the cure: God.
Letting the forgiveness given to us on the cross by Jesus removes the shame.
This is only a mere scrape across the surface of this very emotionally charged and complex subject. But suffice it to say that when trying to move forward to become authentically all God created you to be, shame must be dealt with.
We need to accept ourselves as wholly imperfect human beings who will continue to be wholly imperfect as long as we are in these bodies of flesh on this earth.
And we need to know that everyone else we come in contact with is in exactly the same predicament!
Thus, we must learn to acknowledge these imperfections, forgive ourselves and others, allow God’s love and forgiveness to wash over us, and then move forward—knowing that this cycle of mercy, grace, compassion, love and forgiveness will continue as long as we live.
What we must NOT do is get stuck with a past sin by refusing to acknowledge it before God, ourselves and others—or by, yes, acknowledging it, but not allowing forgiveness, mercy, and grace to wash us clean. And we must do our imperfect best to follow these commands and instructions from God in His Word—with and through His strength but AGAIN knowing that we will STILL mess up!!
But just as Paul said as seen in Romans 1:6: “What then will we say? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?” (Of course not.)
But it’s knowing that try as we might (like Paul doing the thing that he hates—Romans 7:19: For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. )we, too, will always come up short, but we have to keep doing our best and then keep moving forward.
I know this isn’t a particularly happy subject in the discussion of beautifully blooming for God, but it’s a necessary one because we cannot be authentically ourselves and help others until we allow not only our strengths to be seen and known, but also our weaknesses. And God works best through our weaknesses!
Trust me. A great burden will be lifted when we know that we can’t be perfect. Even as Christians! And we don’t have to be pretend that we are to a watching world. People—Christians and not—can spot a fake a mile away. So we waste a whole lot of time and energy trying to be perfect—something that we are not, and never will be!
Be free. For He whom the Son has set free is free indeed.
SONGS TO MINISTER AND HEAL
“How Can It Be” Lauren Daigle
I am guilty
Ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become
These hands are dirty
I dare not lift them up to the Holy one
You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You overcome
You gave Your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be
How can it be
I’ve been hiding
Afraid I’ve let you down, inside I doubt
That You still love me
But in Your eyes there’s only grace now
You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You overcome
You gave Your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be
How can it be
Though I fall, You can make me new
From this death I will rise with You
Oh the grace reaching out for me
How can it be
How can it be
You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You overcome
You gave Your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You overcome
You gave Your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be
How can it be
“Healing Begins” Tenth Avenue North,
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you’re good
And you can’t believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let ’em fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
So let it fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
We’re here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don’t fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
(I admittedly like the lyrics better than the music style, but I can see me speed walking to this and declaring it while I walk and sing!)
“Shame Off” Mandisa
There’s a million different ways I compare me to someone else
There’s a million little lies that my heart likes to always tell
Like I’m a loser, always a failure
I make the same mistakes over and over
But it’s time I finally stop talking down, beating up myself
I’m gonna take the shame off
Stop believing what I know ain’t true
I’m gonna put Your grace on
And wear it proud like You want me to
You’ve taken all of this heaviness off of me
You have changed my old identity
So I’m gonna take the shame off
I’m gonna take the shame off
I’m replacing I am weak with the fact that I’m strong in You
Changing how I look at me, gonna see from Your point of view
You call me blameless, You call me chosen
You make a masterpiece out of my broken
And You tell me I’m enough, I’m complete and I’m loved by You
I’m gonna take the shame off
Stop believing what I know ain’t true
I’m gonna put Your grace on
And wear it proud like You want me to
You’ve taken all of this heaviness off of me
You have changed my old identity
So I’m gonna take the shame off
I’m gonna take the shame off!
Shame off!
Shame says I’m worthless, a lost hopeless case
Shame tells me I’ve been forgotten by grace
But shame is defeated when I speak Your name
I speak Your name
I’m gonna take the shame off!
Stop believing what I know ain’t true
I’m gonna put Your grace on
And wear it proud like You want me to
You’ve taken all of this heaviness off of me
You have changed my old identity
So I’m gonna take the shame off
I’m gonna take the shame off!
I’m gonna take the shame off
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS
Unashamed: Drop the Baggage, Pick up Your Freedom, Fulfill Your Destiny ~ Christine Caine
The Cure: What If God Isn’t Who You Think He Is And Neither Are You ~ John Lynch and Bruce McNicol
Worthy In Jesus: Unofficial Study & Discussion Guide for The Gifts of Imperfection ~ Leah Pritchard
LINK: Face to Face With Our Weaknesses