“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. ~ Jesus (Matthew 6:14,15)
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3:12,13
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31,32
There we have it. The indisputable words from God on the subject of forgiving others who have wronged or offended us. There is absolutely no wiggle room here. No asterisk to show us that in our case, the wrong that was committed to us, is the exception. Nope. No exceptions.
This is tough stuff.
Difficult to digest.
Almost impossible to understand.
And even harder to do.
But we must.
For me, there are some helpful angles in learning how to forgive—and in WANTING to forgive!
1) Forgiveness can be separated from our emotions. In fact, it’s almost a requisite to do so. Forgiveness is an act of our will. The emotions connected to the wrongs done against us will continue to crop up. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVEN’T FORGIVEN! That’s so important to know. But it does mean that you are being tempted to get drawn back into the cycle of unforgiveness. You must be ready for this.
The way to combat it is to not allow yourself to start meditating on the offense. You must cast down those thoughts and YOU MUST BE READY WITH ALTERNATIVE THINGS TO START THINKING ABOUT. This will definitely be difficult in the beginning stages of your practice of forgiveness, but, with time, it will become a habit. And those negative, unhappy, unhealthy thoughts will eventually “get bored” in their attempts to capture your attention—and they’ll leave.
But, beware. They are lurking in the shadows waiting for an opportune time to jump into your thoughts-game again.
Be careful—watch out for attacks from Satan, your great enemy. He prowls around like a hungry, roaring lion, looking for some victim to tear apart. Stand firm when he attacks. Trust the Lord; and remember that other Christians all around the world are going through these sufferings too. 1 Peter 5:8,9
Make no mistake. Allowing yourself to walk out your life in unforgiveness is no small thing. It will affect every area of your life!
Forgiveness works in all areas of life–from your physical health, to your emotions, to your deepest spiritual life, to your relationships and careers. The only way to move beyond the hurt and go forward in life is through total forgiveness. Forgiveness is not total forgiveness until we bless our enemies–and pray for them to be blessed. R.T. Kendall, Total Forgiveness
2) Forgiveness is one of the best things we can do for ourselves! When we think about forgiving someone, it can make us really mad about how unjust it feels. And, really, how unjust it may actually be! But this is one of the areas in life that we have little control over—the part about bringing justice to someone who has wronged us. Oh, I suppose we can take someone to court or we can spend our lives trying to make the person miserable, but is that really a good way, and more importantly a God-way, to live our life? Consumed with the wrong committed against us? (And I suppose I’m talking about BIG injustices here. There are certainly a multitude of small grievances we face every single day! Down to the person who cuts us off in traffic—which we are able to “let go of” much faster!)
God tells us in His Word that He will take care of the wrongdoers. So we need to do ourselves a favor and “get free” from the ball-and-chain of unforgiveness that is SO destructive and that even affects our relationship with GOD! That should be enough for any of us to want to find victory in this. And if we are mad at God…well, I’ve been there. And He wants us to bring that anger to Him so you and He can resolve it. It takes time, but it can be done.
Over thirty years as a pastor I’ve found that bitterness toward God is often the primary barrier to accepting His salvation and trusting His guidance on a daily basis. ~ Rick Warren
But we all know that even if we get to the point we can accept all of this as truth in our minds, it is much more difficult to root unforgiveness out of our emotions. And just like anything in our lives as Christians, we cannot do it without His help. We must once again walk in FAITH that as we do our part, the powerful Word of God and the Holy Spirit within us will work the miraculous in helping us to actually want to forgive and to know that as we go through the steps to forgive, that we have forgiven. It really does require God to help us do this.
3) We all need to be forgiven. One of the most difficult parts of forgiving is to come to the point that we can pray for those who have hurt us. And to NOT pray that they “get caught” or “exposed” or “they will come crawling back to us begging for forgiveness.” We want to pray a higher kind of prayer. A prayer that they will come to know the love of God in their lives and that they will discover His will and purpose for them. THIS is God’s will for US… and for them. It is a God-inspired prayer and when we unselfishly begin praying for God’s best for those who have wronged us, we will experience an avalanche of love, joy, and freedom that is unmatched.
I found out that I had to daily commit to forgive those who hurt me and to forgive them totally. I, therefore, let them utterly off the hook and resigned myself to this knowledge. It’s entirely possible that…
- They won’t get caught or found out.
- Nobody will ever know what they did.
- They will prosper and be blessed as if they had done no wrong. ~ R.T. Kendall, Total Forgiveness
I can tell you that in my own life, when I received a revelation from God that not one of us is deserving of forgiveness, that it is an (amazing) grace given to us, I was able to see unforgiveness in my heart for what it was—ugly pride.
We all need to be forgiven and to extend forgiveness.
Jesus knows what He’s talking about, yes? Of course.
God desires for us to be free and to have intimate, life-giving, relationships.
If there are those who will not change or receive forgiveness from us or from God, we must pray for them and trust God to surround us with His protection so that we will not be hurt over and over again. Follow God’s commands of love and have faith that He will lead, guide, and protect you as the Good Shepherd that He is.
I want to emphasize something very, very, important here. Forgiving someone does NOT mean we will automatically, or that we MUST, be in relationship with that person. I think Christians get very confused about that. { I know I was. }
During a time when I was having a difficult time forgiving, I came across a couple of songs that would bring me to a place of brokenness, repentance, and revelation of God’s Love time after time after time. Perhaps they will minister to you as well, or, if not, I know that He will lead you to just the right song, or author, or scripture or person or sermon (or a combination of them all) that you need to bring you freedom. Because one thing I know for sure—HE WANTS YOU FREE!
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36
The songs:
All Men Are Broken (note about the lyrics on this video…they aren’t all correct. In fact, her title for the song isn’t even right! It’s supposed to say “men” not “man.” But you can see that she is Chinese so this is her translation and it’s mostly right…and I love the photos that she selected. So, let’s overlook the errors. 🙂 )
This song addresses the abuse/neglect of earthly fathers, but all I could hear was: “All men are broken” and for me that is “mankind”—men and women. For whatever reason, this song would make me weep (still does) and I could see the brokenness and need of even those who had hurt me. And it gave me an overwhelming love–obviously God’s Love— for them and for myself. And I also felt, and feel, hope and faith for complete restoration and renewal.
Partial lyrics:
All men are broken
And broken men break their children
Who grow up to be broken men
But I’m (God) bigger than that.
I’m going to turn it all around
Just wait and see
I’m gonna make everything beautiful
Just in time…
Trisagion
This song is really a prayer, repeated a few times. It ministered to me in a very deep place and I would find myself on my knees, again weeping. This would happen when I would begin to pray about difficult situations that I had felt wronged in, and then I was brought to my knees knowing that we ALL need God’s mercy—that, as with the lyrics from the song above—“all men (and women) are broken.” I had planned an angry tirade to God of the injustices I felt had occurred in my life and instead of me praying such a prayer, I would find myself in a heap singing this song over and over with tears streaming down my face in the presence of a holy God. God knows exactly what we need…
Holy God
Holy and Mighty
Holy Immortal One
Have mercy, have mercy on us.
(Chorus of voices)
Holy God
Holy and mighty,
Holy Immortal One
Have mercy, have mercy on us.
(Chorus of voices with descant voices)
Holy God
Holy and mighty
Holy Immortal One
Have mercy, have mercy, have mercy,
Have mercy, have mercy on us.
Songwriter: FERNANDO ORTEGA
I pray that you will spend some time with God asking Him to show you areas, and people—including yourself—that need forgiveness. Let Him reveal and lead. When you open up your heart to Him with honesty and vulnerability and heartfelt desire to get right with Him and others, He will show you whatever it is that you need to know. He will.
Note: There are most certainly circumstances where you may need to get out of an abusive relationship(s). Also, there are times we must “confront and report” so that the abuser will not continue to abuse—-you or others. Expose sin to the Light! I know of far too many situations in which fear ruled and the abuse continued. This can range from sexual and emotional abuse of women and children to abuse and harassment in a work place—and so much more. Break the cycle of abuse. Find someone who can help you…
WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW TO SEE WHAT POWERFUL FORGIVENESS LOOKS LIKE (posting this in a couple other places in this blog)
On January 24, 2018, Rachael Denhollander, a lawyer and mother of three, stood across from Dr. Larry Nassar, a former USA Gymnastics national team osteopathic physician and former sports medicine doctor at Michigan State University, who sexually abused at least 156 young girls primarily under the guise of medical treatment. Rachael, and 155 other young women, delivered their victim impact statements before a judge at the trial of Larry Nassar. Rachael was a 15-year-old Kalamazoo homeschooler when she was molested by Larry Nassar. Her testimony is at times graphic (viewer warning) but I wanted to put it here because at the end she talks about God’s forgiveness and it is powerful. Her entire testimony is powerful. 36 minutes long. If you want to listen to just the part about God’s forgiveness, go to the 26 minute mark.
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS (from various viewpoints—forgiving others, forgiving yourself, forgiving God)
When You’ve Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness ~ Erwin W. Lutzer
How to Forgive…When You Don’t Feel Like It ~ June Hunt
Wounded by God’s People: Discovering How God’s Love Heals Our Hearts ~ Anne Graham Lotz
How To Forgive Ourselves Totally: Begin Again by Breaking Free from Past Mistakes ~ R.T. Kendall
Total Forgiveness ~ RT Kendall
Totally Forgiving God: When it Seems He Has Betrayed You ~ R.T. Kendall
If God Is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil ~ Randy Alcorn
The Freedom Factor: Finding Peace by Forgiving Others . . . and Yourself ~ Bruce Wilkinson
The Shack ~ William P. Young Fiction. Many people have either read this book or have seen the movie or, at the least, have heard about it. When I heard bits and pieces of the content, I was afraid I would NOT like it at all–that it wasn’t honoring scripture. I was wrong. I think it’s one of the finest pieces of literature in dealing with extreme forgiveness during times of great loss and trauma that I have ever read (and watched–even the movie was excellent!) There is also a study guide offered on Amazon.