Somewhere, at some moment in time, on some seemingly ordinary day without me knowing or understanding it fully, I could no longer live, or be, who I was.
A strange thing happened.
I could hardly be nice—and nice was all I had ever been.
I didn’t want to be — no, I couldn’t be —who everyone around me wanted me to be anymore.
Or who I thought they wanted me to be —- the perfect, organized helper, companion and playmate for anyone and everything.
That was the outer person I had been displaying for many years.
It used to be kind of okay, I guess.
And it may have even been an actual authentic me.
It’s hard to say because after I started changing it has become more difficult for me to define my past choices and behavior.
All I know is that later in life, I had become aware of an inner turmoil and an almost rebellion that had to be addressed before I had a complete volcanic eruption.
{Actually, I think I did have a few of those.}
I couldn’t make myself “perform” even the normal routine and tasks and roles I had always fulfilled—so well, so predictably, so reliably, so compliantly, for so many years.
I wanted to quit cooking meals (something I had always loved and performed twice a day for 30+ years and all holidays).
I didn’t want to go to functions that bored me—even to be nice. I didn’t care what people thought. Nothing seemed to matter to me other than relieving the pressure I was feeling inside!
One of those defining moments came after watching a silly and harmless summer movie at a theater with my husband and friends. I left the theater and wanted to scream, “I JUST WASTED 2 HOURS OF MY LIFE!! That was NOT a movie I would have chosen!!”
Another time, I almost ran out of a clothing store where I was shopping with a friend. I paced and paced outside—almost angry that I was stuck in a clothing department—again, wasting my life away, it seemed to me.
What was this? A nervous breakdown? Midlife crisis?
I determined that, yes, perhaps it was the latter, but if I didn’t do something different, I might move into the breakdown.
I later began calling it my purpose-crisis. Even an authenticity or identity crisis.
And, really, those can, and should, happen at any age.
But there does seem to be a time later in life when we begin to stop and take account of where we have been and where we are going and whether any of those paths line up with who we really are—who God created us to be.
I think we can all remember definable moments in our lives when we come to a major crossroad or dead-end—even an unexpected detour not of our choosing.
And we know that we will never be the same.
We must make choices.
Life-changing, course-changing choices.
For me, one of those definable moments was when I read this quote:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” ~ Anais Nin
That was it. I knew that was me. Tight in the bud. And that it was too painful to stay that way.
I had to learn how to bloom.
To be the me that God wanted me to be—the person He created me to be.
No option.
There. Was. No. Option.
Do. Or Die.
You’ve got to be your own person. It’s pretty deadly not to be. ~ Joan Anderson
So true. If we don’t die physically, we die in every other way. Our true self dies. A tragedy.
In the early stages, I painted my “prior” life, before the defining moment, with a broad brush of “inauthentic living and wrong choices and now regrets.”
I felt like I had lived my life completely wrong or I would not have ended up at this crisis moment.
But I now realize that this was an erroneous and destructive way to look at it.
There are seasons to life.
Looking back I know I was not feeling then what I was feeling now.
The choices I had made were right for then.
But it was time for a new season—a transformative time from painful bud to authentic “now” blooms.
From chrysalis to butterfly.
This was another symbol and visual that was presented to me during this time—-a chrysalis on the back side of a tree limb—waiting.
Waiting for the right time to break out and fly.
It is a time and process that, really, I’m still going through.
So the writings you find here have all been written during the last few years while I have been “tight in the bud” and in chrysalis form—those stages of change and growth.
There has been great struggle (growing pains) in dark places and also joyful and bright discoveries.
Revelations, if you will.
I’ve been contemplating all of this quite a bit.
Maybe this time of life is the stage when God is preparing us for an eternity with Him.
We begin to grow up spiritually and want more of Him and less of the things of this world.
We discover that the world really doesn’t have what we are longing for.
It’s Him we long for.
It’s His will for us that we want.
Another defining moment early in the first days of my crisis I wrote something to myself that was like a major revelation for me. I know it may not seem like it, but I had been sacrificing myself for so long that this was like a very bold declaration:
THE BRAVEST THING I’VE EVER DONE…
…is to know, finally, at the age of 53, that I am an important person, too. That what I think and need and feel, matters. Not in a selfish way. In a healthy way. I have poured myself into the lives of others—which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes “bad” when done to the extreme of completely neglecting myself. For years I quit listening to the voice that begged to be heard–that inner voice that suggested I take time out to get to know myself—the person God created me to be—and to develop my God-given interests, talents, and skills…to discover His purpose for me…and in so doing, know Him all the more.
And so, like it or not, my journey had begun.
There was no going back.
I would have to continue to “be brave” if I wanted to find any measure of relief or joy or peace.
I had to follow where God led me.
It takes courage to push yourself to places you’ve never been before. To test your limits. To break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin
I pray that you, too, will know that you matter.
That your voice matters.
Your feelings matter.
The things you want to do for God matter.
That there is nothing wrong with you in your desire to follow your dreams.
You just need to find that “something of your own”—to discover all that He created you to be…and do.
I urge you to carve out time and space for the discovery process. It’s all part of our journey into eternity.
And I want you to know that the process of forming your unique blooms will take you places you have never been before. { Even if you don’t travel. }
Right here where I live I have been doing things I’ve never done before that connect me to some of “my people.”
I’ve found a new courage to go where I feel led.
My life had been so protected, so routine—with borders I didn’t dare cross.
There were giants in my land of Promise—the land where I could bloom and thrive.
And those giants appeared fearsome.
But with God, all those giants can be slayed—the giants of fear, insecurities, regrets, lost opportunities, etc.
I want you to know that it’s not too late to become all God created you to be.
And that everything you’ve done up to this point can, and will, be used.
That the process of “becoming” is a whole lot about timing.
If you are reading this, and it’s speaking to you, then I feel confident in saying that for you it is now time.
Time to go from the chrysalis to the butterfly.
From painful bud to beautiful blooms.
You were born to fly.
You were born to bloom.