And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
This is a difficult country to look too different in–the United States of Advertising, as Paul Krassner puts it–and if you are too skinny or too tall or dark or weird or short or frizzy or homely or poor or nearsighted, you get crucified. I did. ~ Anne Lamott, “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life”
This will most certainly be, by far, my most personal and difficult blog to write. But I think I need to because it’s a huge part of my story—and a version of the story of most of us, I think. That somewhere along the way, usually in our growing-up years, we suffered damage. Emotional damage. I’m sure it is worse for some than others. Super-sensitive types like me incur the most damage—even if the cause is less than what others may have suffered.
My childhood was rather idyllic. I was very loved by my family and I felt that safe and secure feeling that I talk about a lot in this blog. The kind of environment we need in order to bloom well. I did have that as a child.
I loved my elementary school years. I realize now that it was a wonderful school—we even had a school song that I remember to this day. Learning was like play to me. I was usually teacher’s pet because I was so enthusiastic about every aspect of school! I wanted to learn and I wanted to help and to be a part of everything!
I had lots of friends and a very best friend who also happened to be my neighbor. We had the same name and we spent all our free time together. I was what we would call today: “fully engaged” in my life. No apparent hang-ups or insecurities. And I was happy through-and-through.
The problems began when I transitioned from elementary school to junior high school. Not only is this the awkward phase of growing up, but I also had to attend a school that was nothing like my small elementary school. More than one elementary school was merged into this one middle school. Plus, there was forced segregation and the tension was tangible. Fights broke out often.
I was still well liked but I started to get very shy and self-conscious about my looks. Not that this is anything unusual for kids that age. But it became ultra awkward for me due to the fact that I was beyond skinny. Most of the other girls my age had started to change and look more mature. I had toothpick legs, scrawny arms and a flat chest.
And this is when the damage began. Slowly and steadily I started losing my self-esteem and security. The classrooms at this school were very large—over 50 and sometimes up to a 100. I was lost in the crowd. No longer teacher’s pet. And seemingly only identifiable by my skinniness. I wasn’t the fat girl. I was the skinny girl. Stared at. Picked on. Called names. (Not by my friends).
I had never been singled out and focused on in a negative way before. I remember one day walking out of a class and a boy behind me said, “Move it, ya bag of bones!” To this day, I remember that boy’s name. I had never been called a name before—a derogatory name! I felt shame for how I looked and I wanted to hide.
When I was home I guzzled milk shakes and drank a high caloric supplement. I would eat double the amount of food of any of my friends. But I couldn’t gain a pound! Girls had been given permission, for the first time, to wear pants to school and so that’s all I wore—to hide my skinny little legs. But I couldn’t hide them in gym class when we had to put on a hideous gym suit thing.
They looked like this:
Bad, right? Haha. Only ours were white. Now…really. Who would look good or feel comfortable in that?? Especially at age 13, but for skinny girls and overweight girls, it was a nightmare!
Plus, I wasn’t great at team sports. I had always been very, very active and I loved to play games—even athletic and outdoor games and activities. I was a fast runner and I played lots of ping-pong and I climbed trees and rode my bike.
But I didn’t play games like softball and volleyball—which is what we were forced to play in school. My arms simply weren’t strong enough for those games. I was usually the last one picked for a team. Yep. That dreaded picking of teams. I did have friends who were merciful in selecting me—just because they really liked me. Not because I was an asset to the team.
So thus began my years of dreading going to school and of feeling… shame.
I became very shy during these years to the point of near paralyzation. I didn’t want anyone to look at me, I didn’t want to go to P.E. class, and I didn’t want to participate in classroom discussions. I began noticing other “misfits” and I think this is when my already sensitive side kicked into full drive. I wanted to help the hurting and protect others from cruel words and uncomfortable situations.
And, for whatever reason, this is the age when cruel words fly freely. No body part on any person is safe from the attack. Big nose, funny hair, chubby thighs or calves, skinny legs, short, tall, pimples—it was all fair game. Some people could handle it. Let it slide off. (Or they just appeared to.) Or they would taunt back. I internalized it all. As many do. (My friends weren’t exempt from this. They were picked on for different things.) I started feeling very inferior. And was so shy and ashamed I couldn’t talk about it with anyone.
One of my close friends at that time was a blonde girl with very thick, kinky hair. She was also prone to blushing. She was picked on mercilessly! Her hair was the constant focus and brunt of jokes. And then you would see the blush rising up her neck followed by the splotching of her face. It was heart-wrenching for me. There was nothing any of her friends could do to help her. Her mom tried to have her hair thinned and straightened. She wore pretty barrettes. Nothing worked. And the mean girls ruled.
One pivotal life-changing day for me was in a big classroom setting with a group discussion going on and I was called on to answer a question and my mind froze. I went blank. Everyone was staring at me. Like my friend, I felt the heat rise in my face and I became even more embarrassed. I put my hands over my face. The teacher moved on, trying to cover for me, but…I was never the same after that day.
I know it seems like a small thing to make such a huge impact, but it’s true that it did–from that day forward for many, many years, I made decisions based on never putting myself into another situation like that. I had always been smart and came out in the top tier of all my classes. And I remained so, but I chose my classes more carefully. I made sure there were no oral reports involved or anything else that would somehow put me in the embarrassing spotlight. And so I know that this is when I began to have stunted growth in regard to who I was created to be.
The summer between junior high school and high school, I finally got taller and filled out. When I entered the 10th grade I was singled out and stared at again, but now it was because I had grown into a beautiful young woman. But inside? I was still damaged. Still painfully shy. And still very cautious about making myself vulnerable to any more hurt. Being pretty made it harder for me to hide. It was yet a new kind of attention I wasn’t used to, and didn’t particularly like!
In high school, there was a pilot program, called Triple I for high achievers/smart kids. My friends and I were chosen as some of the guinea pigs to be in the program. As I recall there were less than 100 selected out of about 3000 students. It was a disaster! They were trying to treat us like college students who could come and go and learn at our own pace. Sorta. I hated it. Hated school. So sad because I still loved learning. But this was most definitely not the proper environment for me!
In my senior high year, I decided I was going to opt out of the Triple I program. Seems like that was an adult “college student” decision, right? I had already gone beyond high school classes into college classes. I didn’t want to keep going higher with those. I wanted to try some creative classes outside the program. Pottery class. Creative writing. Art. I don’t remember all of the 5 classes I chose. I just knew I was “allowed” to take electives—even for all my classes—-and I wanted to experiment. It was obvious that I had “a bent” for the creative back then—-even if it was just a great appreciation for it. I remember being very excited about taking the pottery class.
I never made it to the first class. I had signed up for these classes and somehow was flagged, I guess. I was called into a guidance counselor’s office—something that I’d never had happen before. I was told that “someone like me”—a high achiever, intellectual smarty-pants—should not be taking the artsy classes I had chosen. They were “worried” about me. They wanted me back on the “right track.”
Well…they knocked me off the track entirely. I walked out of the office, called my mom and had her pick me up, and I dropped out of school. Yes. I did. I entered a time of depression and confusion for about 2 years. Which eventually led me to the greatest decision I ever made: accepting Jesus Christ into my heart and life. That is when my life made the radical turn for the best.
God uses everything for His good, and our good.
But…what I think I want you to know from all of this is that the damage had been done and even though I had made a huge life change and it was noticeable, there was still a lot of internal work to be done. Healing of damaged emotions. Learning to know that I was okay and a person of value. Learning to accept myself and see myself the way God did. Learning to understand introverts and extroverts, left-brain and right-brain people. Things like that. I was unique—just like everyone is. But I needed more help and guidance to understand and to cultivate my uniqueness.
I eventually took the high school equivalency test and then proceeded to get my AA at a local community college. But I have to say that I had much to overcome in classroom situations. I would have panic attacks in any closed door situation—even doctor’s offices, employer offices, etc. It was a long process to overcome the deeply rooted damage. I had to cooperate with God to take back the ground that had been stolen from me.
The good news is that it can be done! And it can be done at any age.
Over the years, as I exercised one of my gifts with many, many people (being an encourager and listener) , I found that my story wasn’t all that much different than most. I guess I’ve gotten over the shock of how many people were damaged in their growing up years—in every way imaginable. My heart grieves for the pain and humiliation and life-change these damages caused. And it is especially difficult when they have remained stuck—unable to receive healing for the hurts. Unable to get out of the bud stage (where it feels safe) and to fully bloom.
I’m praying that somewhere on this website you will find some tools to help you heal and move forward. I believe that God wants us to recapture the joy, the wonder, and the dreams of our youth. He wants us free to be who He created us to be. Like I was in elementary school. Free. Safe. Secure. Joyful. Comfortable with who I was and what I loved to do. I was Blooming.
One of the primary ways I got free was a whole lot of renewing of my mind to who God said I was in His Word. I found all of the “in Him” scriptures and quoted them over and over. Here are a couple of links to “In Him” scriptures:
http://www.joycemeyer.org/content/articles/ea/knowing_who_i_am_in_christ/KnowingWhoIAminChrist.pdf PRINTABLE LIST
http://www.soulshepherding.org/2006/07/identity-in-christ-verses-in-the-bible/
https://www.hopefaithprayer.com/scriptures/in-him-realities/
I also had to confront some of those fears head on.
I will never be the type of person who does public speaking. But I got over my fear of speaking in classroom situations. In fact, I have to sometimes tell myself to be quiet for the NEW fear—ha—that I will hog the conversation. But, mostly, I am an introvert and I think the world—including the school systems—need to respect and accommodate introverts, because if they don’t, they will continue to lose some very precious people in regard to them pursuing what they feel called to do.
I know of many who dropped out of classes, and school entirely, not because they weren’t smart and didn’t want to achieve a goal, but because they just couldn’t handle having to do all the oral reports. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to force someone who is going to pursue a career that is behind the scenes (perhaps research or art or computer work) to do classroom presentations. The way I see it is that teachers are comfortable in front of people so they think that everyone should be. But it just isn’t so.
I also know that there are times we need to be pushed past our comfort zones into areas we think we would never try or be good at, and in so doing, we discover a new passion and talent. I believe that those in leadership positions, and especially teachers, need to be sensitive enough to know the difference. This is of course my opinion-—based on years of personal experience with myself and in observing others.
NOTE ABOUT THIS QUOTE. APPARENTLY, MR. EINSTEIN DIDN’T SAY IT. (http://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/04/06/fish-climb/ and other researchers.) So why am I putting it here? Because I think the thought behind it is indeed true. Not the “everybody is a genius” part because we know not everyone is a genius, but the rest of it. I would have created my own photo quote block with just the second part but this has become so “famous” everyone would have thought I left off important parts—-including Einstein’s name. Anyway, this quote helped me, even with its apparent inaccuracies that I have now corrected.
The point is that if we are trying to fit in and be something we’re not, we will always feel inferior. We need to discover who God created us to be, and be confident in that.
SOOOO…. I quoted scriptures and I also prayed for help from the Holy Spirit. I remember one day in my 20s, it was like a dam burst. For the first time, I told my “shame story” to my husband and I was sobbing deep gut-wrenching sobs. He looked at me like he had no idea why this had been such an awful time for me. And it’s true that when I talk about it, it doesn’t seem nearly as bad as the monster it became in my life for so many years!
That’s what shame will do. It does not want exposure because it gets smaller and loses its power over us. Because we find out that…
- We are not alone in what we experienced.
- We can overcome.
- That this damage isn’t permanent like we thought it was.
- We can find help and healing and that God can actually use our story to help others.
But do be careful about who you share your stories with. Mine isn’t ultra personal. I mean, to me it is, (or was), but there are some stories that you would need to ask God about in regard to sharing. (More publically). I’ve been told by a few that they are very sorry for giving their full testimony in front of church or a Bible study because people started treating them differently. You need to know your audience. It takes people with great spiritual maturity to be able to listen to stories of emotional wounds and to hold those stories gently and not reveal them.
{ But… I think everyone should probably share their story with at least a counselor. (If you know it is holding you back). There is great freedom in exposing and releasing it. }
What to remember: Your damage isn’t permanent and, with God’s help, you can overcome, find healing, and He can actually use your story to help others.
SONGS TO MINISTER AND HEAL
Oh, My Soul Casting Crowns
Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn’t see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
‘Cause you’re not alone
Here and now
You can be honest
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
I’m not strong enough, I can’t take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under
Oh, my soul
You’re not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
‘Cause you’re not alone
Oh, my soul, you’re not alone
LOVED ~ JJ Heller
Do you dream of a home you never had
An innocence that you cannot get back
The pain is real
You can’t erase it
Sooner or later you have to face it down
Down
You have to face it down
You are loved
Do you keep your thoughts inside your head
Will you regret the things you never said
You have a voice
You have to use it
You have a choice
Don’t let them shut you down
Down
Don’t let them shut you down
You are loved
Do you feel the ache inside your soul
You know you’ll never make it on your own
Sorrow is too great for you to hold it
You’re gonna break
Why don’t you lay it down
Freedom comes in letting go
Open up the window to your heart
Freedom comes in letting go
Open up your heart
You are loved.
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS
Healing the Wounded Heart ~Thom Gardner
(haven’t read but received very good Amazon reviews. If you do read it, please let me know what you think. I hope to read it, too, but not at the top of my list right now.)
The Wounded Spirit: For Those Who Wound or Are Wounded ~ Frank Peretti
A Guide for Listening and Inner-Healing Prayer: Meeting God in the Broken Places ~ Rusty Rustenbach (Another “haven’t read” but looks really good from reviews on Amazon)
LINK: Shame