and knowing that He knew…
and He knows…
and He still loves us.
Each and every one of us.
And he went out and wept bitterly. Luke 22:62
I personally don’t think there is a more painful portion of scripture to read than Peter’s denial of Jesus.
Jesus. His friend.
Jesus. The One who he boldly declared of: “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” Matthew 16:16
Could there be any deeper shame and regret than Peter’s denial? Jesus was even there in the flesh to see the denials!! After his third denial, this:
At that moment the Lord turned and looked at Peter. Suddenly, the Lord’s words flashed through Peter’s mind: “Before the rooster crows tomorrow morning, you will deny three times that you even know me.” Luke 22:61
Oh agony of the soul from words that cut deep and go straight to the heart.
Again, I say: Could there be anything more painful than this?
Jesus turned and looked right at Peter!
God needs for us to come to know ourselves as He already knows us.
We need to come face-to -face with our weaknesses. And face-to-face with Him in that process.
If we don’t, pride will take root. We’ll feel we are better than others. And self sufficient–not in need of God’s help and strength.
Look at Peter’s bold confession just hours before his thrice denial:
Peter answered and said to Him, “Even if all are made to stumble because of You, I will never be made to stumble.”
Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you that this night, before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.”
Peter said to Him, “Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You!” Matthew 26: 33-35
That’s pride in full bloom. Pride in self.
I believe that before we can move forward into the destinies God has for us, we have to know what we are capable of.
We have to know our desperate need for total dependence on God.
We must know that it is only in Him that we can become all He wants us to be. Without Him, we are nothing. But with Him…all things are possible—-all the things He has chosen for us—His will and purpose.
I wrote this in one of my journaling times:
“The purification process has been brutal, painful, revealing. It’s not completely over, but this chapter is nearing the end. The dross is being removed. Deep down dross. Dross I didn’t even know was there. But God did. It’s ugly. Messy. Shameful. Shocking. But when this is over, something solid to the core—actually, a solid core—will remain. No osteoporosis of the soul. Dense soul. Unbreakable. Strengthened through the fire.”
The worst part of this process has been discovering that when the fire and pressure came, I actually had ugly dross.
{ I really didn’t know—that I had so much and that it was so very ugly. }
And that’s why “the reveal” and purification needed to be done.
Yes, I needed to know that any good in me, any good that I do, is because of Him.
Because without Him, I am a mess.
Oh, I could speak the words of faith and confidence and pride like Peter….but when the trial came, I too, failed the test…
and then wept bitterly.
But thank God that’s not where it ends.
Remember that Jesus predicted Peter’s denial. He knew it would happen.
Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you that this night, before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” Luke 22:61
And I am not shocked by your weakness.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.
Cuz only I can see the end from the beginning.
And only I can see where this is going.
And only I can see the end from the beginning.
And I see in you the seeds of love.
And I see in you…strength
When all you see is your failure
And all you feel is shame.
I can see deeper than that.
I know you better than that.
–Misty Edwards, “I Knew What I Was Getting Into” (I could never even begin to know how many times I listened to this song or had the lyrics come to me at times I needed encouragement… Close your eyes and let God sing over you.)
God does know us better.
He does see beyond our failures.
Beyond our shame.
Beyond our sin.
Jesus knew what was ahead for Peter. He knew that after his denial and shame, God would restore Him and that Peter would go on to fulfill God’s ultimate purpose for His life—–a purpose that he could not do without total reliance on Jesus.
And so it should, and can be, with us.
We need to allow God to shed light on our weaknesses and then also allow Him to restore us.
And to let Him love us—weaknesses included! We can’t cover them up or hide them from Him.
It is a process.
Painful? Very.
But it is worth every bit of the pain.
And after the purification process, we will look more like Jesus—-the beautiful One.
And we can walk out His will through His grace and strength.
We will be perfect? Absolutely not! But we will know just how much we need God and how much we can trust His love and plans for us.
keepin’ it real… { journaling }
It is a terrible and beautiful day when you realize that it is you that has sinned. Not your neighbor, spouse, friends, parents, siblings, co-workers. Oh, yes. They have sinned, too. But that’s not your problem. That’s not your excuse. It has nothing at all to do with your relationship with God.
Today I saw on a whole new level—a very low level…my sin. My sins have never been so much sins of the flesh. I am a disciplined person. My sins are actually worse. They are sins of unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, lack of love, hardness of heart, anger—and these have too often been towards those closest to me. And that would include God first. The reason I have had those feelings towards God? Because He could’ve intervened when bad things were happening. He could’ve prevented the pain, the suffering, the hurts. And so I harbored all those horrible feelings of anger and resentment towards Him.
Today, You shone your warm and loving and very bright light on my sins. I saw their ugliness. I saw the darkness. I was ashamed. But I still felt Your love in my shame. You were with me while I was seeing the shame—because You were the One showing it to me—showing me a dark part of my heart that needed cleansing.
I had been the victim of the consequences of the mistakes of those around me and I was blaming them…and You, God. Oh the shame of discovering that I blamed You!
It is I who has committed the greatest of all sins. Lack of love. Lack of faith in You. Love is the main commandment. And you are Love. I stopped loving and I stayed mired in the sins of resentment. And faith pleases You and I lost faith in You.
Today, with tears streaming down my face, I saw this hidden part of my heart. I covered my face. I fell to my knees. I sobbed. I broke. Just like Peter, I broke. And I experienced the mercy and warmth (I don’t know why that descriptive word keeps coming to me, but it does) of Your love and forgiveness.
Your mercy is so great. Your love is beyond understanding. It cannot be known by our minds. It is felt and “known” in our innermost being. I don’t “deserve” love and forgiveness and mercy.
And yet I am loved and forgiven and have received grace.
Amazing grace.
I surrender it all to You, God. Everything. All my negative thoughts and feelings. And also my dreams. Even the ones I felt You gave me. I cannot make the dreams my god. You are my God. Without You, the dream is worthless and empty. And I can’t make it happen anyway. Only You can. And if you don’t want it to, then I don’t want it. I want You. I can have You without the dream. But I cannot have the dream without You. I want You. It’s entirely up to You what You want to do with the dream.
Funny how the mountain of problems created by poor choices and disobedience doesn’t seem as big and horrible to me now. You are so much bigger. You can take care of all of it in a moment. And if You don’t? (And You haven’t yet…) It’s because you are working a work that needed to be worked. And I am grateful for that work—painful as it has been.
I am feeling nothing but gratitude and love right now. You have taken such good care of us even in the midst of the mess. Forgive me for not seeing that, for not being grateful, for missing so many blessings because I was so focused on the imperfections and the mess. Forgive me for trying to control everything and everybody.
I give up control.
I‘m putting my trust in You.
And it is sweet.
Surrender is so sweet.
Selah.
SONGS TO MINISTER AND HEAL
Even If ~ Mercy Me
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t
It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
“Come as You Are” ~ David Crowder
Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
Lay down your hurt lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come as you are